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What would you do with £148 million…?

The lucky winner of last Friday’s EuroMillions lottery, Adrian Bayford, netted nearly 150 million quid – and has announced he’d love to spend some of that money re-uniting the original line-up of Guns ‘N’ Roses.

I think this is brilliant. It would never happen of course (the original members probably don’t need the cash and, quite simply, all hate Axl just a bit too much), but I love the fact that he came up with the idea in the first place. Most lottery winners come out in the press with the usual ‘I’ll buy a new house for my parents, and maybe start a charity’ spiel, but Bayford’s just gone straight for the bonkers, and I think he should be lauded for that. If more people with absurd fortunes started spending their money on ridiculously pointlessly wonderful things, the world would probably be a happier place.

So my question to you folks is this – what mad thing would you with 150 mill?

Taking Adrian Bayford’s musical pipe-dream as an inspiration, I’ve come up with my top three Mental Things I Would Do With A Gigantic Fortune:

1) Build my very own Keyboard Roller-Coaster for use at gigs. You know, for solos and that. Time for a solo, get on the coaster. Boom.
2) Hire legendary film composer John Williams for a month and get him to soundtrack everything I do with an epic string section.
3) Pay Nicki Minaj to stop. Just that – stop. I don’t care how much money it takes, as long as she stops.

Porn is rubbish without a soundtrack

Already read Fifty Shades Of Grey? Finished both the sequels? Bought the t-shirt and the S&M pottery set and the EL James celebratory dildo?

Well, now you can buy the album too.

According to Yahoo News, James has curated an album of 15 classical tracks due for release this autumn that she says helped inspire her during the writing process. EMI Classics – the label behind the record – have called it ‘the perfect accompaniment to the Fifty Shades reading experience’ (they’ve obviously never heard of KY Jelly). This nugget of news pricked my ears because, as you know, I’ve written a novel about The Lightyears that also has its own soundtrack (erm, no, that’s not a plug. What do you take me for? It’s just a relevant comparison). ‘Course all the material on our album will be original, but hey ho. I’m not showing off or anything. I mean, EL James is way too busy being questioned about her sex life on Oprah to write pop songs.

Incidentally, in case you haven’t heard, last week Fifty Shades was officially tagged The Best-Selling Book Of All Time in Britain. A lot of fuss has been made of this, mainly because it’s also universally considered to be very badly-written. And this bugs people. But why the big fuss, I say? History has shown time and again that the products that shift the quickest units are rarely masterpieces. Susan Boyle’s ‘I Dreamed A Dream’…? Fastest-selling album ever by a British woman. Who has the most entries on the ‘best-selling singles of all time’ list, aside from Elvis? Katy Perry. This is just the way the world works (although if you’re one of the 1.5 million people who bought ‘The World According To Clarkson’, I’m going to have to ask that you never, ever talk to me or attempt to look at me in any way).

Finally on this subject, I peeked over the shoulder of a poker-faced Kindle reader on the tube the other day and totally busted them reading Fifty Shades. This felt a bit like catching someone with their hand down their pants. My personal feeling is that Boris ought to pass a law stating that, if you’re going to read this book on the underground, you’re also legally required to wear a t-shirt bearing the declaration: ‘I’m reading porn. I’m pretending not to, but I am absolutely READING PORN’.

And, hey, if you fancy a slice of literature you won’t have to pretend you aren’t watching, check this out. I done this, I did.

A big hello to our new Turkish fans!

Isn’t the internet amazing?

Last week I noticed a spike of interest in The Lightyears – via Twitter and Facebook – from Turkey. The magic of YouTube analytics means you can chart these trends very precisely and, after a minute or two poking around our stats, this is what I discovered… at the time of writing, our cover of David Guetta’s Titanium has racked up 20,277 views – 4,907 of those are from the last thirty days and, of that number, 3,197 are from Turkey. That’s at least ten times more than from any other single country in the month just passed.

Now, look – I know statistics aren’t really that interesting, but my point here is that the internet truly is a wonderful global tool for reaching new fans. I’ve no idea what spiked this, but it seems like the folks in that part of the world really do dig sensitive acoustic re-imaginings of massive dancefloor anthems. So there you go. And if you’re reading this from Turkey, greetings from The Lightyears and… Dinlediğiniz için teşekkürler! (You gotta love Google Translate).

Oh, and after Turkey, it would appear we’re most popular in Albania. Which means it’s finally time to book that seventy-five date tour of Fushë-Krujë.*

*yes, I did Google that.

Exclusive preview of new Lightyears track

As you know (because I don’t stop banging on about it), I’ve just written a book.

The book is called Mockstars and it’s The Lightyears’ origin story – a true(ish) tale of debts, mugs and rock ‘n’ roll. We have a vision for this book, and it’s never been done before… on top of publishing the novel, The Lightyears will be releasing an album of original material that accompanies the story and deals with many of the same themes (incidentally, plenty of novels have soundtracks – that’s old news – but as far as I know no band has simultaneously released its own novel and album… please correct me if I’m wrong though!).

I wrote a great deal of material for the album at the same time as writing the book. At the risk of sounding like a ponce (and possibly inadvertently using the word ‘visceral’), this was a really exciting and inspiring process for me. Sometimes I’d get writer’s block and think ‘Hmm – I need some other piece of art to inspire me’… and lo and behold, I’d trundle off and listen to one of my new demos, and my writing flow would pick right up again.

We’re currently in the process of taking the songs I’ve written, combining them with material from the rest of the band, working through it all and shaping it into an album. Mockstars makes direct references to these songs, songs which will soon, and rather excitingly, actually exist ‘in the real world’. It’s a multimedia jamboree.

The very first track I wrote for the book was called ‘Blinded By Light’. It’s a song that deals with the major themes in the novel – friendship, growing up, dealing with change and pursuing your dreams in the face of adversity. We’re still working on our full-band version of ‘Blinded By Light’ but, as a special treat (it is Friday after all), I thought I’d publish a wee clip from my original bedroom demo. This doesn’t feature any of the other Lightyears (oh, for a world where that were always the case) but you’ll get the general idea.

Enjoy… and do let us know what you think in the comments section. Thanks guys!

ps. if you haven’t had a chance yet, check out the video readings from Mockstars at Project Lightyears. I’ve embedded one below for anyone who’s feeling a bit lazy.

I wish people would slag us off more often

Today I found myself reading an article on the NME website that conscientiously archived all the best and most vicious put-downs in music (only in the NME, right?) – because there’s nothing more entertaining than egotistical rockstars slagging each other off.

This got me thinking about how being trashed by people is kind of a badge of honour in rock ‘n’ roll and, in fact, about how disappointed I am with the paltry number of put-downs The Lightyears have attracted in our careers so far (and if that isn’t an invitation to internet trolls, I’m not sure what is).

I suppose there was the time the London Metro wrote us a bit of a dud review after the INDY Awards and said we looked like McFly wearing The Libertines’ old stage outfits – but then, that might have been worth getting all worked up over had it not been basically entirely true.

Oh, and I was subjected to a fairly vicious attack in the LYs comments section back in 2010 when one of our songs was being used on a T-Mobile advert and some poor chap, infuriated by the ubiquity of the ad, let leash with something along the lines of ‘I hope you end up under a bus, you floppy-haired wanker’. I wrote him a witty riposte (eruditely correcting his grammar, obviously) and, lo and behold, the bugger came back the next day and apologised. That’s not supposed to happen on the internet! That’s the whole point, you can say what you want and there aren’t any consequences (well, unless you’re Daniel Thomas).

And while we’re on the subject of the T-Mobile song, I recently learned that ‘Come With Me’ popped up on the stereo in a hospital operating theatre earlier this year and, a minute or two into the song, the surgeon – looking up from (as I imagine it) the gaping chasm of some poor fella’s mutilated bowels – commented: ‘They sound like S Club 7 on speed’. Again – not really rude, ‘cos it’s basically true.

Anyhow, I thought I’d save you a bit of time and cherry-pick the five best insults from the NME’s list (expletives coming up, folks – cover the little ones’ ears):

Bono on Chris Martin:
“[He’s] a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin. But he happens to be a great melodist.”
– Wins points for… being so polite.

Johnny Borrell on The Kooks:
“That record is the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard. It sounds like the band are literally rolling over, sticking their arse in the air and begging Radio 1 to f*ck them.”
– Wins points for… Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You’re black.

Paul Weller on Freddie Mercury:
“He said he wanted to bring ballet to the working classes. What a c*nt.”
– Wins points for… succinctness. And if only you had half Freddie’s talent, Paul, you might have got away with it.

Liam Gallagher on Radiohead’s album ‘The King Of Limbs’:
“Them writing a song about a f*cking tree? Give me a f*cking break! A thousand year old tree? Go f*ck yourself!”
– Wins points for… sheer idiocy.

Noel Gallagher on The Kaiser Chiefs:
“I did drugs for 18 years and I never got that bad as to say, ‘You know what? I think the Kaiser Chiefs are brilliant.'”
– Wins points for… the opposite reason to his brother.

The Top Five Craziest Things We’ve Ever Done

Muse bassist Chris Wolstenholme has come out in the NME today confessing to his recent battle with alcoholism.

He was smashed all day every day, apparently, his habit soon taking its toll on his health, his family and on the band. He’s now fixed the problem – and even penned some tunes about it that appear on Muse’s next album – but this got me thinking about just, you know, just how damn crazy it can be when you’re living the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

I know, I know – you look at me and you go ‘there’s a guy who has done some crazy-ass, rock ‘n’ roll shit in his time’, and you’d be right. I’m out of control. I once went on tour WITHOUT A CLIPBOARD. Seriously. I mean, it was a mistake… a gross lapse of concentration… but once the weeping had subsided, I found a way round it (small notebook).

Anyway, in honour of Wolstenholme’s triumphant victory over alcoholism, I thought I’d present to you…

THE TOP 5 FIVE CRAZIEST THINGS THE LIGHTYEARS HAVE EVER DONE

(Watch out, ‘cos they’re ruddy crazy.)

5. TONY GOES MENTAL ON A MUSHROOM
On tour in South Korea in 2011, LYs drummer Tony partied for twelve hours straight on a giant mushroom. No, not a magic mushroom – a polystyrene one he’d nicked from the gig we’d just played (don’t ask). He held onto it all night, dragging it through two clubs and three bars, eventually admitting defeat when a misguided attempt to lob it onto the roof of a brothel went horribly wrong. Naughty boy.

4. LIMOBIKING OUT OF WEMBLEY STADIUM
Presented with the problem of how to get from a gig at Wembley Stadium to a booking in Bagshot in less than forty minutes, extensive research led from helicopter (no landing pad at the stadium – lame) via teleportation (technology yet to be developed) to the wonder of Virgin Limobikes. This was literally the coolest thing I have EVER done. Mind you, my driver told me that the last artist he’d had on the back of his bike was Cheryl Cole and, bearing that in mind, I suspected he may have been slightly disappointed with that day’s cargo (it didn’t help that I was whimpering with fear, obviously).

3. MIDNIGHT TRIP TO GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL
In 2007, we were lucky enough to work with legendary, multi-million selling producer Hugh Padgham, responsible for massive hits such as ‘In The Air Tonight’ and ‘Every Breath You Take’. He’s used to working with Sting, McCartney and Elton John, is Hugh, so he was a bit taken aback when, at 3am in the morning after a hefty mixing session on our track ‘Sleepless’, we downed tools, jumped into our battered Mitsubishi Spacewagon (that’s right – Spacewagon) and drove all the way to Somerset for a string of gigs at Glastonbury Festival. On the way we hit some debris and buggered the car, arrived at 6.30am, slept in the boot for two hours, got up, walked our gear onsite, cracked open the whisky and hit the stage at about 11 in the morning. Fairly tipsy. Hoorah!

2. TWO GIGS, TWO CONTINENTS, ONE DAY
For our fourth American tour, some dim-witted buffoon* on The Lightyears’ management team thought it would be a good idea to book us a gig in Portsmouth on Saturday night (ending at 2.30am) and then another in Union Square, New York – on the other side of the Atlantic – at lunchtime the following day. You don’t need me to point out that this isn’t a good idea, but hey. After 45 minutes of restless kip on Tony’s sofa I was bundled into the car at some ungodly hour by the rest of the band and we set off for Heathrow, utterly knackered. Some hours later, praying against unexpected delays, we went straight from the plane to customs to a cab to the streets of Manhattan to the stage and BOOM, we were off. I still can’t really remember the gig, to be honest. I think I was hallucinating at the time.

*It’s possible that the dim-witted buffoon was, in fact, me.

1. BABY DON’T LEAVE ME
It’s obvious what goes at Number One – that gig we did by mistake in a crèche. Yeah, you might scoff at this – might question just how crazy it really was – but if you think there are many things scarier than trying to convince a roomful of screaming, shitting toddlers to purchase your new charity football single, you’d be very wrong indeed.

[No photo was available for this incident. Seriously, that’s for the best.]

Paul McCartney disses the establishment…

I love Paul McCartney because, for a man who is theoretically one of the coolest human beings who has ever lived, he’s also kind of… uncool?

You’ll see what I mean if you check out this video of Paul and his band rehearsing for the opening ceremony of the Olympics (at the risk of spoiling it, after a verse and a chorus, somebody ‘pulls the plug’ in an ironic reenactment of the recent incident at Springsteen’s Hyde Park concert). Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE the fact that he’s done it (I was ranting about the whole affair myself only the other day), and the moment when the band act surprised at the power disappearing is really quite endearing, if strangely awkward. But it does strike me as a strangely adolescent sort of response when you consider McCartney’s stature. It’s the kind of thing a teenager might do to piss off their parents, you know? Yeah. You wanna ground me? Take away my pocket money? Fine. But I’m SO going to publish an ironic video about it on YouTube, and there’s nothing you can do about it and I wish I’d never been born (etc).

The Beatles are and always will be legends, but these days Paul McCartney has morphed wonderfully into a sort of cuddly, uncool mirror-image of his younger trend-setting self, a bit like your grandad wearing Nike Airs. And I personally think that’s quite nice.

I know there are certain Beatles ‘fans’ out there – the crazy Lennonists – who despise everything that Macca represents, calling him a sell-out and insisting that just because he doesn’t sit in bed all day protesting about world peace he’s somehow not a proper musician. But I think that’s poppycock. Macca is a national treasure and, as long as keeps on doing funny little quirky things like this, he will remain so for a long time.

[Resisting the pun ‘folking genius’]

Some years back, after our second performance at Glastonbury 2008, two of my brothers insisted I come and join them at the Park Stage to watch a set by a then relatively unknown band called Mumford & Sons.

It was a great gig (although for some reason one that I neglected to mention in my frankly riveting 2008 Glastonbury Tour Diary). My bros had been following Mumford & Sons pretty much since they started, roughly a year previously, touring around small pubs and clubs in London watching the band patiently build their fanbase. Four years later, they’ve sold 2.3 million records. You do the math (there isn’t really any math to do here; that just seemed like the appropriate thing to say).

Anyhow, news today is that the Mumfords’ second album Babel is due for release on September 25 on Glassnote. Pretty excited about this myself, as I was a huge fan of Sigh No More. The NME have released a video of them previewing a track from the next record called ‘Ghosts That We Knew’ on Philadelphia’s 104.5FM. Click here to check it out.

Best of luck to them, I say. A quintessentially English band playing quintessentially English music. And they made folk cool, which nobody saw coming.

ps. if this puts you in the mood for listening to British acoustic acts performing live on American radio, click here to listen to The Lightyears’ interview on WXPN Philadelphia.

Life as a musician – we’ve never had it better…

There was a time when it was basically impossible to launch a band without a record label. Then there was a time when everybody knew the labels were buggered, and we all felt we should probably leave them twitching in the gutter, but it wasn’t yet clear how on earth you could get anywhere without one. Then came the time when the power to kickstart and sustain a successful music career was – genuinely – handed back to the musician.

There was a time when it was basically impossible to launch a band without a record label. Then there was a time when everybody knew the labels were buggered, and we all felt we should probably leave them twitching in the gutter, but it wasn’t yet clear how on earth you could get anywhere without one. Then came the time when the power to kickstart and sustain a successful music career was – genuinely – handed back to the musician.

And that time is now.

Which also makes this just about the most exciting time in history to be a musician…

A band who exemplify what it’s possible to achieve in this new era is Boyce Avenue. There’s a very good chance you haven’t heard of this Script-esque Florida-based three-piece, but they’re a global phenomenon, and a shining example of how you can use the internet to home-grow a brand that people across the world will love.

In a nutshell, a few years back brothers Alejandro, Daniel and Fabian starting posting cover versions of hit songs on YouTube. This was at a stage when not many bands were doing it, and getting in there early gave them a major advantage over their competitors. They kept the awesome content coming, gradually expanded their fanbase over time and by 2011 had built up a big enough profile to sustain a sold-out world tour that took them across five continents. Only six years in did they sign a record deal (with Universal Republic), which they recently left in order to start their own label.

It’s an inspiring story because, at the end of the day, while The Lightyears may have been lucky enough in our careers to perform all over the world at all kinds of amazing venues, festivals and stadiums (and it’s been an awesome journey so far), when it comes to growing our fanbase we, just like anyone else, need to do it from the ground up (this is what Project LYs is all about – check it out here if you haven’t had a chance yet. There’s free stuff).

I think there are probably quite a few similarities between us and the Boyce boys. They’ve got nice hair, we’ve got nice hair. They’re from Florida, we’re from Berkshire (the Florida of the Home Counties).

Also, we’ve covered some of the same songs. Take the Rihanna track We Found Love, for example – here’s the Boyce version, and here’s the LYs version. Almost a Mexican stand-off. In fact, I propose we use this opportunity to open up the field for a kind of balladic equivalent of Eminem’s 8 Mile rap battles. We wouldn’t be rapping, for obvious reasons, but we could instead battle it out through the medium of heart-trembling acoustic balladry. So, I dunno, George would have to sing a melancholy-but-at-the-same-time-uplifting line at Alejandro, and then Alejandro would have to sing back something equally if not more poignant to stay in the game. Then, if you lose, you’re forced to sit in a padded cell for two weeks listening to Tinchy Stryder interviews. Or something.

Anyway, I guess my point is – check them out. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll be sharing a stage.

My Top Ten Lyrics from Graceland

In The Lightyears, as I’m sure is the case with many bands, we’re all a bit obsessed with Paul Simon. I can honestly say that the number of times I’ve listened to Graceland absurdly outweighs any other album in my collection.

And in honour of Paul’s Graceland reunion performance in Hyde Park last Sunday (marred only, according to the reviews, by a suspiciously quiet sound system possibly resulting from Saturday night’s Springsteen-gate – read my rant about this here), I thought I’d publish my Top Ten Lyrics From Graceland.

Because, to be frank, even though he’s kinda short and these days looks a bit like a potato, I’d probably still bloody marry Paul Simon.

Here we go then. In a sort of approximate, backwards order.

10. “The Mississippi delta was shining like a national guitar”
from Graceland
– This simple line sums up everything that’s awesome about Paul Simon. He has this ability to write lyrics that mean absolutely nothing, and absolutely everything, at the same time.

9. “Cattle in the marketplace, scatterlings and orphanages”
from You Can Call Me Al
–  Paul evokes details and scenes like a novelist. The words themselves are musical – not just the chords and melodies behind them.

8. “He sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity”
from You Can Call Me Al
– How to make buildings sound like poetry.

7. “She was physically forgotten but then she slipped into my pocket with my car keys”
from Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes
– First of all, not many people could sing ‘physically forgotten’ with panache, and secondly – that car keys image is just magic.

6. “Hey, don’t I know you from the cinematographer’s party?”
from I Know What I Know
– This shouldn’t work as a lyric. It just shouldn’t. But somehow, it does. And that’s the man’s genius – conversational off-the-cuffs turned into classic lines.

5. “He’s a poor boy, empty as a pocket”
from Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes
– I love this, because for eight small words this line does so much work. In the empty pocket is the possibility of a full pocket – and so you learn that, although he’s poor, this boy has dreams, aspirations and ambition.

4. “There is a girl in New York City who calls herself the human trampoline”
from Graceland
– You think ‘oh yeah, I get that, she’s a slapper, that’s clever and funny’. And it is. But then he twists the meaning in the lyrics that follow – look it up and you’ll see what I mean.

3. “I am following the river down the highway through the cradle of the civil war”
from Graceland
– Evoking centuries of history, casually, in just a few words. Amazing.

2. “She makes the sign of the teaspoon, he makes the sign of the wave”
from Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes
– Reminds me of my good friends Emily & Skinny (from our song, Emily), and how sometimes people just fit together. Always makes me smile.

And the inevitable winner…

1. “He ducked down the alley with some roly-poly little bat-faced girl”
from You Can Call Me Al
– Nobody else writes lyrics like this, and even if they tried to they’d never get away with it.

Have I missed any out…?!

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